Writing usually comes easy to me. Not so with this article. You see, I believe that the Lord wants me to be vulnerable, and to step out in faith. I believe that He wants to use me to help others. I pray that this will glorify the Lord and will help others who are bound by the lies of the evil one. I pray that this will bring reconciliation and peace with God to those who are in chains.
I’m going to tell you a story about me, of which I’m not proud; but it is part of my life, and the Lord has used it to shape and mold me. It happened ten years before I met the Lord Jesus and was born again in 1983.
I sang in a band in Washington, D.C. for a living back then. I had been brought up in the synagogue, but my family was more secular in their beliefs; especially my mom. I had been dating a fellow whom I thought really cared about me. I got pregnant, and soon found out that the man I was dating, was not interested in a serious relationship. When he heard about my pregnancy, he told me to take care of it. Then I never saw him again.
I didn’t want to take care of it. I wanted to have the baby. I began searching for a home or somewhere I could go, where they would actually help me to have my baby and get me on my feet. I didn’t know about churches, being a Jew. I would wind up at counseling centers, but they were not able to actually help me. They just talked to me. One counselor told me to tell my parents. At that point, I knew that I needed to go to my mother and tell her.
When I told my mom, she very calmly said, “Don’t worry, I’ll help you to take care of it.” There it was again — that phrase that went right through me. Take care of it; first of all, what did that mean, and secondly, why call my baby an it?
I told my mom that I wanted to have the baby. That’s when she exploded. She yelled at me and told me that if I had this baby, that I was not welcomed in their home ever again. I didn’t realize this at the time, but this was happening the same year as Roe Vs. Wade was enacted. Abortion had become legal on demand. My mom knew this.
My mother took me down to the abortion clinic. A counselor spoke with me and asked if I had any questions. I had many. What did my baby look like right now? The answer was “Just a clump of cells.” I asked how a clump of cells could be the beginnings of a baby. She told me that it was not a baby. I said that I had to think about this more. My mother was furious, and didn’t talk to me on the way home.
When we did get home, my mother said that she was going to give me a choice. Either I have the abortion, or never see the family again. I cried the whole night. I felt like I was not in control of my life. I was sad and angry. The next day, my mother took me back down to the clinic.
I was in the procedure room, when a doctor came in and introduced himself. I told him that I still wasn’t sure that I wanted to do this. He rolled his eyes as he looked at the nurse. But then he said for me to just relax. He said that it was the best thing that I was doing. I was shaking. He began to gather his instruments and they had a sheet over my middle. I got up and ran, crying hysterically. I saw my mother and she was very angry. I went back in and allowed the abortionist to do his job.
My mom never told my dad what had happened. I’m pretty sure that she knew that dad would not be in favor of abortion. I wanted to die. I felt like a murderer. I was preoccupied with how I would die. It was the darkest time of my whole life.
Years went on, and I got married and had kids. Then, in 1983, after the suicide my sister in law, I met the Lord Jesus Christ through a Christian couple who had baked food for us during the time of the funeral. I believed I was saved, but the memory of the abortion haunted me day and night.
I remember a pastor speaking on the horror of abortion and how the Lord hated it. I felt a sinking feeling inside, as if perhaps I wasn’t really saved. I kept thinking to myself “How can the Lord think of me as His own, when I had done something so reprehensible. I couldn’t get this out of my mind. I wanted to tell someone, but I couldn’t run the risk of them kicking me out of the church. I was convinced that I had committed the unpardonable sin. I was also convinced that no other woman in that church had ever done something like this. I hated myself.
This went on for years. I read the Bible every day. I read verses like this:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
I would think to myself that I did confess this awful sin to Him, and according to His Word, He was faithful and just to forgive me and cleanse me. I would suddenly feel like I had the victory over this, but soon that guilt would return, and I would be back in that dark place.
I had nightmares about my baby. I knew that he was with Jesus, but in my dreams I was trying to find him. I just wanted to hold him.
Then I heard a pastor speak on abortion having at least two victims. The baby and the mother, and even sometimes the father. I felt as if God Himself was speaking directly to me. The tears rolled down my cheeks as I listened to this godly man. He talked about repentance and forgiveness, and how God was waiting for those affected by what they had done, to come to Him so that He could forgive them. That day, the Lord freed me from the nightmare of what I had done.
I began writing letters to the editor about abortion. I didn’t speak of my abortion, but I spoke truth about the babies who were being slaughtered. I wrote that these little ones were not clumps of cells. I would always get nasty rebuttals from the pro-death camp, but I didn’t care. I felt like the writing of the letters was a ministry of sorts. I needed to speak out for the babies!
We became part of a Baptist church where we placed hundreds of tiny blue and pink crosses in memory of the aborted babies. Still, I never talked about my abortion.
In the last few years, I heard of a group of women called “Silent No More.” These were women who had abortions and had been tormented over it. They wanted to speak out about this, so that other women who were agonizing over their sin would know that they were not alone. They also hoped that their ministry might help women who were contemplating having an abortion – to change their minds.
Alveda King, niece of Martin Luther King, is part of that group. She is a lovely lady and her life is all about being part of the Pro-Life movement and Silent No More. She inspires me.
I love Pastor JD Farag, and hubby and I watch his prophecy updates each week. Last week, he spoke about the Planned Parenthood story which had just broken. Before he got into what he thought about the story, he made sure that if there were any women listening to him who had an abortion, he wanted to assure them that there is forgiveness at the Cross of Jesus Christ. This is so important for pastors to tell their congregations!
Did you know that studies have shown that the number of women in churches, who have had abortions, is just about the same as the women in the world? This shocked me at first. But then it confirmed the need for churches to minister to women who have done this in their lives — to lead them to the Cross for forgiveness. The evil one constantly whispers his despicable lies to the children of God. He accuses us before our God day and night:
“And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night” (Revelation 12:10).
Are you a Christian woman who had an abortion, who still struggles with receiving God’s forgiveness? Do you know of a sister in Christ who is going through an agonizing time over this? Are you thinking of having an abortion or know someone who is? I pray that this article will be used by God to bring His forgiveness and mercy to those who are tormented by their sin. I also pray that anyone who is thinking of having an abortion will see the impact this sin has on a person for the rest of their life.
Did you know that the only unforgivable sin is to reject Christ and die without Him? When the devil speaks lies to you, and tells you that you will not be forgiven, do this…..
“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
Satan has no power over you, child of God! He is a liar and the father of them. He is the author of confusion. Learn to say to him “Get thee behind me Satan!”
I was afraid when I first thought that the Lord wanted me to write this. I spoke to hubby about it. He was apprehensive too. We knew that this would open me up to possible attacks from unbelievers. We prayed about this. We both felt that it was worth the risk of backlash and ridicule, because writing this is glorifying to God.
God sent Jesus to the Cross, so that men and women could be reconciled to Him. Jesus paid the price for all of our sin. If He had not done that, we would die in our sins and all be bound for hell. I believe that God wanted me to write this, because He wanted to tell the women who are being held captive by the lies of the evil one, that if you come to Him in repentance for the abortion and ask His forgiveness, He will forgive you! And then He can use you in His battle for the lives of the unborn.
You can be Silent No More!
MARANATHA