The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonna’s baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?