Here are some actual problem sentences found in church bulletins and/or newsletters:

• Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church building. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours.”
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.

1. (For this one, you have to know that it’s really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.

2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.

3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. “We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!”

4. There was some mix-up with a woman’s room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, “Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?” She replied, “Well, it looks like it might rain today. I’d better get an inside cabin.”

5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with — fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, “Sea water.” “Oh, that explains why it’s so rough today.”

6. Someone — always a man — always asks, “does the ship run on generators?” The Cruise Director usually tells them, “No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.”

7. “What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?”