An old couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, “Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

She hesitated a while and said, “Yes, 3 times.”

“Three times!? How did it happen?” he asks.

“Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?”

“Yes, that was really a terrible time.”

“Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?

“It is hard to believe,” he said, “but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.”

She continued, “And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn’t afford the operation?”

“Of course I remember.”

“Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?”

“Yes,” he said, “that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.

But tell me, what was the third time?”

She responded, “Do you remember when you ran for Lodge president… and needed 23 more votes?”

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. [Dolly Parton]

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. [Rita Rudner]

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. [Rita Rudner]

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma Bombeck]

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]

I’m not going to vacuum ’till Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]

I think – therefore I’m single. [Lizz Winstead]

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” [Elayne Boosler]

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” [Maryon Pearson]

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” [Gilda Radner]

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” [Margaret Thatcher]

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” [Marie Corelli]

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” [Baroness Edith Summerskill]

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” [Linda Ellerbee]

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” [Zsa Zsa Gabor]