1. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
4. Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
6. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
7. Nursing home event… Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
8. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
9. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
10. Baby conceived naturally…..scientists stumped.
11. Authentic year 2000 “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million.
12. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
13. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
14. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
15. Rodney King arrested for the 412th time on drug and assault charges.

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DESTRUCTION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft’s Web Site: IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.