High School students look thirty years old.Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into the dark cellar never came out.

Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.

Everybody wins in Las Vegas.

When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth

Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg

Police chases must include a car going through a plate glass window

Burglar alarm system’s connection box is on the outside wall

Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.

Cars will explode in all accidents.

Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses.

Housework is never needed.

Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.

To: Tech Support
RE: Your program titled “Husband 1.0”

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner-Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and Opera-Ballet Night 6.1 and installs new and undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, ESPN 3.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5 Conversation 8.0 runs only intermittently and invariable crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 6.1 or Housecleaning 2.6. It will occasionally run CarWash 1.0, but only after running Nagging 5.3, and this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!?!?!

Signed,
Jane

Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about , but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely and ENTERTAINMENT package, while Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by it’s creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would only cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 and nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and should be expected from Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of the “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 of Husband 2.0. BEWARE: these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I highly recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of the root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and FlowersChocolate 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF’s. and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a VERY BAD program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this Tech Tip!

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 4.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After a few years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar to you and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: DO NOT under ANY circumstances install MotherInLaw 1.0!!! This is not a supported applicaiton and will cause selective shutdown of the operation system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 8.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,
Tech Support