Plumber: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

Tire Shop: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Psychic’s Hotline: “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

Towing Company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.[toes.]”

Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

Nonsmoking Area: “If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push.”

Optometrists Office: “If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”

Taxidermist’s Window: “We really know our stuff.”

Foot Doctors Office: “Time wounds all heels.”

Butchers Window: “Let me meat your needs.”

Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”

Hotel: “Help Wanted! We are looking for inn-experienced people.”

Veterinarians Waiting Room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!”

Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

Restaurant Window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”

Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we can wait.”

Counselors Office: “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.”

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”

The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”