Things to Ponder 3

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonna’s baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Things to Ponder 2

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The pen is mightier than the sword — if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?