1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.”
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
5. Hand me that…uh…that uh…that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex?
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. And this guy’s got two of ’em.”
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing off my concentration.
12. What’s this doing here?
13. I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
14. That’s cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
21. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
22. What do you mean “You want a divorce?!?”
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Hey! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the refrigerator, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats’ food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will not throw up in the car.

7. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my master’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are master’s laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for master’s driver’s license and car registration.

20. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

21. I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option after just getting a bath.

22. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

23. I will not hump any person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

24. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

25. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

26. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.

27. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.