1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Old friends couldn’t care less whether you’ve lost or gained weight.
6. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.
7. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you (unless you smash ’em into the boards).
8. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
9. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
10. Your last name stays put.
11. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
12. The garage is all yours.
13. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
14. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
15. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
16. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
17. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
18. If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.
19. Chocolate is just another snack.
20. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
21. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
22. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s coming by.
23. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
24. You don’t care if anyone notices your new haircut.
25. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, “he must be mad at me.”
26. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
27. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
28. Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75.
29. You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.
30. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
31. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
32. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
33. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
34. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
35. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
36. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
37. New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
38. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
39. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…. Notice anything different?”
40. One mood, all the time!

Stupidity got us into this mess… So why can’t it get us out?

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Think about it! In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever… So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

Everyone has a photographic memory… Some don’t have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?